It’s not the driver - It’s your thoughts.

It’s Not the Driver — It’s Your Thoughts: The Real Cause of How You Feel

So much of what we do in life is driven by one thing: how we want to feel — or avoid feeling.

Let’s start with a common misconception:
That our feelings are caused by what happens to us.

For years, I believed this. I thought when something bad happened, it was the event itself that made me feel anxious, upset, or angry.

Take this scenario:
I’m running late. I get stuck behind someone driving 10km under the speed limit. Cue frustration and fury.
I used to believe it was the driver making me angry.

But I now know that’s not true.

I still remember when my coach explained something that changed everything:
It’s not the event that causes your feelings — it’s your thoughts about the event that create how you feel.

At first, my brain rebelled.
“Surely if someone you love dies, that would make you feel sad,” I argued.

But my coach pointed out something important:
If it were the event alone that created the feeling, then it would affect everyone the same way.

Yet if someone we don’t know passes away, we might register it as sad — but we don’t feel grief. The death is a fact — a circumstance. The emotion comes from what we think about it.
Like: “I’m going to miss them so much.”

Back to the slow driver.
The fact is: someone is driving 10km below the speed limit. That’s a circumstance.

Some people wouldn’t be bothered.
My grandma wouldn’t mind.
And if the slow driver was my grandma, neither would I.

Same event. Completely different emotion.

Right now, I’m fuming — but it’s because of my thoughts:
“They’re going to make me late.”
“They shouldn’t be on the road.”
“This is so unfair.”

But it’s not the driver causing my anger — it’s what I’m choosing to think about the driver.

And yes, I get it. Sometimes those thoughts feel automatic — like you don’t have a choice. But the truth is: you do.

When you really grasp this, you get your power back.

You're no longer at the mercy of slow drivers.
Or loud talkers.
Or your ex.
Or your boss.
Or your partner who knows exactly which buttons to press.

Because the only person who controls how you feel… is you.

This insight felt like the best and worst news all at once.

Best, because it meant I could change how I felt.
Worst, because I realised I couldn’t blame anyone or anything anymore.

If I wanted to feel differently, I had to understand and take ownership of what I was thinking.

And no — this doesn’t mean I try to feel happy all the time. I want to feel sadness if someone I love dies. That’s part of being human.

But this awareness puts me back in the driver’s seat.

Many of my clients come to me feeling like they’re constantly reacting to what’s happening around them — overwhelmed, anxious, burnt out.

They don’t realise how much of that is being shaped by the thoughts they’ve never questioned.

So if you’re ready to start exploring your emotional patterns, here’s a powerful first step:

Start With Thought Awareness

Begin noticing what you’re thinking throughout the day — especially in moments that feel charged.

Ask yourself:

• What are the thoughts I’ve repeated so often they now feel like facts?
  E.g., “I have to pick up the kids.”

• Which thoughts cause unnecessary suffering?
  E.g., “He shouldn’t be doing that.”

• Which beliefs have I never questioned?
  E.g., “It’s harder to lose weight after 40.”

• What thoughts come up the most?
  E.g., “I’m not good enough.”

• What do I think before I eat?
  E.g., “I need food to feel better.”

• What do I think after?
  E.g., “I shouldn’t have eaten that.”

Try a Daily Thought Download

Every morning, spend 7 minutes writing out your thoughts — no editing, no censoring.
If your mind goes blank, write: “I don’t know what to write.” until something new comes through.

When you're done, pick one or two thoughts and ask yourself:
How does this thought make me feel?

This simple practice helps bring unconscious thinking to the surface.

Don't be surprised if some of your thoughts feel negative.
Many of my clients are shocked by how harsh their inner dialogue is at first — but it starts to make sense when we look at how they’ve been feeling day to day.

The goal here isn’t to judge or fix your thoughts.
It’s to build awareness.

Because awareness is the first step to change.

In next week’s article, I’ll show you how to take this further.
But for now, try the 7-minute thought download for the next 7 days.

At the end of the week, look for patterns.
Are there themes? Repeats?
How do these thoughts correlate to how you feel?

This is how change starts — not by forcing yourself to be “more positive,” but by understanding what’s really happening inside your own mind.