Why aren’t you taking action?

For so many of my clients one of the most frustrating things for them is their inability to take action. They have all of these dreams and ideas, things that they want to do and they try to do them, but they just can’t get themselves motivated to do it. 

So often I get asked, why can’t I stick to my eating plan. Why can’t I do exercise when I say I am going to do it. Why do I feel so overwhelmed and stressed, why don’t I have enough time to get everything done? 

And it all comes down to the same answer, which is that everything you do in your life is because you want to feel a certain way. 

We spend our lives either chasing, or running away from feelings and for so many, they believe that it is the things external to them that make them feel the way they do. And you can understand why, as that is what is constantly reinforced. How many times have you said yes to someone, because you don’t want to hurt their feelings? Or thought I will just have some chocolate, as that will make me feel better.

But what is true, is that actually it is not the things external to us that cause us to feel a certain way. Rather it is the way we think about those things, that create how we feel and then in turn impact the actions we take, our behaviour, which create the results we have in our lives.

So to try and simply break it down, in our life there are things we cannot control, things that happen outside of us - circumstances. For example getting diagnosed with an illness, other people, our past. These are all things outside of our control. These are all circumstances. 

We then have all of the things in our control; our thoughts about these circumstances, our feelings, our actions and our results.

Now I know at times our thoughts and feelings do not feel in our control. But I assure you they are. And whilst many of us, myself included would love to be able to control other people, the truth is that we can’t. We can’t make someone think a certain way. Their own experiences, beliefs, lens will determine how they think about something.

The same is true with our past, we often want to change our past, in order to feel better today. But we can’t change our past, we can only control how we let our past impact us today, by deciding how we choose to think about it.

What we decide to think, what we think about, the thoughts that go through our head are completely within our control. 

What trips so many of us up, is that at times we are not even aware of what we are thinking, and due to socialisation, our upbringing etc we often think that our thoughts and beliefs are facts, circumstances, rather than just thoughts we have practised over and over. 

For years I blamed my weight for how I felt, I blamed my parents, co-workers, other drivers on the road and even a couple of bosses. 

But the truth is, what we are thinking is in our control and why this really matters is that our thoughts are what create our feelings.

And because your feelings are caused by your thoughts and everything you do in your life is to feel a certain way, it becomes really important to know what you are thinking. 

I remember the day I learnt this, I was on a walk with my son on maternity leave listening to a podcast, and the host casually mentioned it as if everyone knew it and I paused and thought, what the heck, why had I not been taught this before?  

Why isn’t this taught more at school. Why are we not taught that our feelings are created from our thoughts and so if we want to feel a certain way, we need to be first aware and then deliberate about how we think about things? 

Now I know a lot of people already know this, but if you are like I was and are not aware and notice yourself not taking action, then you first need to identify what is it that you are thinking and feeling that is having you take another action.

Starting to be really conscious of the thoughts that you are thinking, almost on autopilot can at times be a little confronting. I remember when I first started building awareness of my thoughts, I realised that so many of the results I had in my life were as a result of unconscious thoughts, patterns, beliefs that I had just been repeating year after year. 

Understanding that it is your thoughts that are creating your feelings, becomes freeing as it gives you back all of your power, you have complete control to change, because you can control your thought and feeling combination that has you taking action.

Most people will try to create change from action, they will force themselves to work out, to eat better, to relax more . But if  you try and change your action without changing the thought or the feeling that's driving the action, you're going to have a struggle because you're going to have to work against that feeling and that thought that already exists. 

That is why change is so frustrating for so many of us. We try to change how much we're eating, or we try to change exercising, or we try to stop procrastinating without changing the thought and feeling that is driving that very thing that we're doing. 

But when you can identify and understand why you're not doing something, or why you are doing something, then it will reveal to you the thought and feeling combination that's driving it. And from that place it becomes much easier to create change, as you are changin it at the source, from the thought and feeling.

And that's really what coaching is all about. It's about finding the cause of our habits, the cause of our patterns, why we do what we do. And then deciding if we want to keep thinking that way, or change the way we are thinking so we can change our results.

So let me illustrate this with an example. I recently had a client who wanted to get stronger by doing weights. She had always wanted lean and strong, arms, abs and legs and now she was over 40 she said it was even more important to her due to the added health benefits for perimenopause. 

She would create her plan, set reminders, schedule it on her calendar, but as  soon as it came time to do it, she wouldn't do it. So when she came to me we talked through what she feeling when she didn’t follow her plan and exercise. 

And she said, right before she decided to exercise she would feel apathetic. Like she had no drive at all and this apathy was leading to her action of not working out.

So knowing it is our thoughts that create our feelings, I then had to work with her to identify what the thought was, that was creating apathy. And what we found was that she was thinking, ‘it wouldn't matter anyway’. 

She was telling herself that she had to do it to get results. And yet her thought was, it wouldn’t matter anyway,’ which created the feeling of apathy, which of course drove in-action. It drove her not to exercise.

Now, typically when a client discovers something like this, they want to immediately change it. And what I told her is before we try and change it, we need to understand why you believe it will not work.  

Because I believe that everyone has a reason for why they think what they do and if we don’t  take the time to have some compassion and be curious with ourselves, we won't reveal our truths to ourselves. 

And this is a key part of coaching. Helping to reveal what is going on. And from there, once she was able to understand what is driving the thought, she was able to have compassion with herself. She was able to understand that her past experience of beating herself up, starting and stopping exercise plans was why she was thinking ‘it wouldn’t matter anyway’. 

Understanding how, or why you are thinking that thought, without judgement, enables you to loosen your hold on it. And once your hold is loosen, then you can decide what you want to do.

Beating yourself, shaming yourself to change simple doesn’t work in the long term. It will not be permanent, and it will not last. It doesn’t matter what change you are trying to create, it won’t be sustainable if it is done with force, because you will eventually buckle under the pressure.

And you can't do it with willpower, because when you are using willpower you are coming up against you.

You're trying to defeat your own mind, with your own mind.

And the mind loves to repeat itself.

It likes to look for patterns and it likes to be efficient.

So when the brain and the mind have been thinking the same thought over and over again, so much that it is now unconscious, to change it requires practice and skill. And if you're trying to change it without understanding it, you're going to be in a battle with your own mind.

And of course, when it is you against you, you are going to lose. 

To wrap up, I have covered a lot in this post, but I wanted to go into detail as this really is a foundational piece.

Understanding that it is your thoughts that create your feelings, which then drive the actions you take, creating the results in your life.  

So if there is an area in your life where you are not taking action, not honouring the plan you have laid out, I encourage you not to beat yourself up, but instead start to uncover the thought and feeling combination that is driving the action (or inaction) you are taking.

Simply building awareness will make all the difference. As it is from understanding with compassion why we are currently doing/not doing something, that we can start to better understand ourselves and start to shift our thoughts, and feelings, enabling us to take different actions so that we can create the results we want in our life. Consciously and deliberately.