How your past can keep you stuck

I haven’t shared much of my past here, but lately I’ve had quite a few clients navigating difficult seasons—and one theme keeps coming up: they're stuck in the past.

They’re defined by what they’ve done, or what’s happened to them. They spend so much energy looking back—wishing they’d done things differently, feeling powerless, and believing their past defines their future.

It’s understandable. Many of us have pasts that include pain, loss, or failure. And when we judge ourselves by those past experiences, it can be deeply discouraging.

Over 11 years ago, I was three months pregnant with my first child when my now ex-husband told me he was having an affair—with his boss—and that he wanted to leave our marriage.

For a long time, I felt ashamed.
Ashamed that I’d been cheated on.
Ashamed that I must not have been “enough.”
I made his choices mean something about me.

I didn’t tell many people. I told myself it was because it didn’t matter—but the truth was, I was embarrassed. I felt like I had failed. And being left while pregnant with our first child? That felt like a reflection of my worth.

In those early days, I obsessed over what I could have done differently.
Could I have loved him more?
Been more supportive?
Would that have stopped him from leaving?

But here’s the truth: I did love and support him. And he still left.
That doesn’t make him wrong and me right—it just is what happened.

No amount of overthinking, self-blame, or regret could undo what had already happened. But for a long time, all that looking back kept me stuck. It reinforced a belief I didn’t even know I had—that I wasn’t good enough.

Our brains crave certainty, so they look to the past for answers. If you believe you’re not enough, your brain will twist every event to prove it. That’s exactly what mine did. Even though the future I imagined—more kids, a home, adventures—disappeared overnight, my mind stayed in the past. It was familiar, and that felt safer than facing the unknown.

What I’ve learned is this:
There’s a difference between learning from your past and living in it.

Eventually, I had to ask myself a different question—not what if, but what now?

That was the shift. That was something I could control. That was where I could put my energy.

It didn’t mean I didn’t have emotions to process or lessons to learn, but it meant I wasn’t going to use my past to keep telling myself I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t going to use it as an excuse to stay stuck. I had a child to raise and a life to rebuild—and that required me to start moving forward.

One practice I often recommend to clients (and use myself) when feeling stuck in the past is this:

1. Write a letter to your past self.
   Be honest. Say what you’re angry about. What you’re sad about. What you’re sorry about. What you wish for. And most importantly, tell them why you still love them. It’s a powerful way to release what you’ve been holding onto.

2. Then write a letter from your future self.
   Imagine the version of you who’s already where you want to be. What would she say to you now? What would she tell you to stop doing? What would she encourage you to start? What perspective would she offer?

This exercise can bring clarity to what you’re still carrying—and help you shift your focus to what’s next. Because the past can’t be changed. But your future? That’s still being written.

So if you’re feeling stuck right now, I invite you to ask:

Where in your life are you still past-focused?
And what’s one small step you could take to shift that focus forward?