How to Stop Letting Other People’s Behaviour Control How You Feel
Relationships come up in almost every coaching session I run — with partners, kids, step-kids, parents, siblings, friends, coworkers. Why? Because we are wired for connection: historically, belonging to the group kept us safe. And a 85 year longitudinal Harvard study found that — strong relationships are they key predictor of a long life.
And yet we regularly sabotage the very connections that matter most. The reason is usually what one of my own coaches would call “The Manual.”
What is a “manual”?
A manual is the unwritten rule book we create for other people. It has all of the expectations and meanings we attach to how others should behave — and we emotionally tie our happiness to whether or not they follow it.
Most of us have thick, very detailed manuals for our partners, friends, kids and colleagues. And what’s more we assume they know what our manuals are, so when they don’t follow them, we get upset, hurt, resentful, or angry — as we make their behaviour mean something about us (or them).
A friend and I were out for a walk the other day and she was really upset at her husband because he hadn’t bought her what she wanted for her birthday. I asked her whether she had actually told him specifically what she wanted, and she looked at me and laughed. Realising that she was furious at him for not getting her something that she hadn’t even told him that she wanted.
Other times you may make your request know, like telling your kids to always put their washing in the washing basket. When your kids doesn’t do as asked, you may find yourself getting upset thinking, they don’t care about me. When in actual fact, it could simply mean that remembering to put their washing in the basket is not high on their priority list.
Why the manual is so damaging
While expecting other people to behave exactly how you want is understandable — it’s also a fast track to frustration for a few reasons:
You can’t control other people. Not really (although might be nice sometimes). You can make requests, set boundaries, and decide your consequences — but you can’t make someone else want to do something. If you don’t believe this - think about how you feel when someone tries to make you do something you definitely do not want to do.
You give away your power. This is a huge one, when your emotional state depends on someone else’s choices, you’re powerless until they change. And that feeling of powerlessness is horrible, but also completely in your control.
You’re confusing needs with entitlement. It’s fine to have needs. It’s different to expect others to provide your emotional state for you.
This doesn’t mean you never make requests. It means you stop tying your feelings to whether the request is honoured.
There’s a useful difference between asking for something and attaching your happiness to getting it. Parents and bosses legitimately set rules and consequences — that’s different from making someone’s behaviour the determiner of your emotional life.
You can ask your partner to help you with dinner, or ask a friend to turn up to catch ups on time. But if you make your emotional wellbeing contingent on them honouring that request, you’ve written a manual.
One client of mine would often be exasperated because her partner would go straight out to the garden after work, never asking if he could help with the kids or dinner. She made it mean all sorts of things— that he didn’t love her, that he didn’t care and as a result it caused a lot of resentment and arguments.
When she finally asked him why he would just go straight outside for 15minutes, he said simply: “He hadn’t realised it was an issue. It was his strategy to reset for the family after work.” That one sentence changed everything as it wasn’t because he didn’t care, it was because he did care and didn’t want to bring his work day home with him. Once she heard his perspective, she stopped trying to control him and making it mean he didn’t care and instead saw it as an act of love for their family.
What to do instead of writing manuals
If you notice yourself often feeling upset due to other peoples behaviour, or hear yourself say “He should be doing it differently” some practical steps you can start using today.
1. Notice your manuals
Make a list of people you have rules for. What do you want them to do differently? Be honest about how many of those rules are unspoken. Tip: manuals often start with ‘should'
2. Name the feeling you’re chasing
Ask yourself: if they did exactly what I want, how would I feel? The need driving the manual is almost always about how you think you’d feel. That feeling can be created internally — you don’t need someone else to hand it to you.
3. Make requests — without strings
It’s fine to tell people what you’d prefer. Ask clearly and kindly. But be prepared to take responsibility for your feelings no matter the outcome. I often talk to my clients about setting those that they love up for success. Let them know ahead of time.
Example: “I’d love this necklace from this shop for my birthday.” If you don’t want to get it for me, that’s ok, I will buy it as a gift for myself.” That way you have made your request and owned your response. I personally love getting gifts for myself and then don’t need to wait or worry if someone else will get it for me.
A friend of mine was upset her partner didn’t get her anything for her birthday. I asked her if he had asked her what she wanted and she said, “Yes and I told him don’t worry, you don’t have to get me anything…” But then said to me, “But I didn’t think he would take me seriously!”.
4. Set boundaries and consequences (not punishments)
If someone’s behaviour consistently violates your values or laid out expectations (for example, a coworker who doesn’t meet agreed deadlines), set a consequence that you will follow through on. This is different from emotional reactivity. Consequences are about protecting your life and energy, not controlling someone else. So in the example we have talked about with the washing, it could be if you don’t bring your washing down, then I will no longer wash your washing (and follow through, otherwise this is just a threat).
5. Check your assumptions — ask questions
Before you make meaning, or assume simple ask the other person for their perspective. You’ll often discover they have different motives, needs, or blind spots — not maliciousness. This step alone can save your a lot of anguish.
6. Practice feeling your feeling
If a manual gets triggered and you feel hurt or angry, pause. Ask: What am I thinking that’s creating this feeling? Can I choose a thought that would feel better — independent of the other person?
When manuals are useful (and when they’re not)
There are times when rules are appropriate: parenting, work roles, and safety requirements are all places for explicit expectations. The difference is that those are transparent, agreed-upon, and tied to consequences that protect outcomes — not your emotional state.
What you want to avoid is using rules as a way to coerce other adults (or kids) into making you feel okay.
Reflection exercise
List three people you have an unspoken “manual” for.
For each person, write the top two things you expect them to do.
Ask: What would I feel if they actually did those things? What thought am I telling myself that links their action to my feeling?
What small request could you make of them, and how will you take responsibility for your feeling regardless of their response?
The payoff: calmer, closer relationships
When you stop trying to control others and take responsibility for your own emotional life, something remarkable happens: you become calmer and more capable of enjoying people as they are. You’ll still make requests. You’ll still have boundaries. But your relationship won’t be a battlefield of rules you never shared.
You might also be surprised how much more willing people are to meet you when you’re not trying to manipulate them into making you feel better.
It is not always easy work, some of us (myself included) have very thorough manuals particularly for those we love. But if you can drop your manual you will take back so much control of your own emotional life and build self confidence and you are the one in control of you.
