How I Stopped Letting Old Wounds Ruin My Relationships

One thing I’ve learned — both personally and through coaching — is that relationships are powerful mirrors.

They have this incredible ability to bring to the surface every pattern, story, and wound we thought we’d already “worked through.”

Lately, I’ve been reminded of this in my own life, with my relationship with my partner. We have a great relationship is so many ways, but it’s also shown me parts of myself I didn’t realise still needed care.

Because the truth is, when you’re in a close relationship, it’s not just your romantic history that gets stirred up. It can be old patterns from childhood, dynamics with parents, experiences with past bosses, or ways you’ve learned to protect yourself in high-pressure environments.

For me, I’ve noticed that when something feels uncertain, my instinct is to work harder to make things safe again — to fix, manage, or control. That’s a pattern that’s served me well in my career, but it doesn’t create connection in relationships.

It’s been humbling to see that what helped me succeed professionally — being capable, responsible, and in control — can sometimes keep me from being open, vulnerable, and receptive in love.

Why Relationships Trigger Us

Relationships can activate the parts of us that still believe, deep down, “I’m not enough,” “I might be left,” or “I can’t rely on others.”

So often we make this mean we are somehow broken or flawed. But all it is, is your brain trying to  protect you from past pain, and it uses your relationships as data. This is where I always remind myself (and my clients), that the past is not always a helpful or accurate determinant of your future, but it will be unless you consciously manage for it.

So when your partner doesn’t respond in a way you like, or a colleague leaves you out of a meeting, your nervous system might not register it as a small oversight — rather it feels like danger.
Your brain is saying, “This reminds me of when I wasn’t chosen / wasn’t safe / wasn’t seen.”

And suddenly, you’re not responding to the moment in front of you — you’re reacting to the echo of something old.

From Reactive to Proactive Relationships

It’s easy to slip into reactive patterns — waiting for someone else to change, to reassure you, or to behave differently so you can relax.

But real emotional maturity (and control and happiness) comes from turning that attention inward:

• What story am I telling myself right now?

• Is this reaction about them, or is it about something unresolved in me?

• How do I want to lead myself in this moment?

• If they did/behaved exactly how I wanted them to act/behave, what would I then be thinking? And why?

When you can name your triggers and tend to them, you move from reacting to responding with awareness.
That’s where relationships — romantic, professional, or otherwise — become one of the most powerful spaces for personal growth.

The Work of Rewriting Your Patterns

Healing isn’t about never getting triggered again. This I can currently attest to!
It’s about recognising when you are, getting really curious — and choosing a new response.

It’s about being honest enough to say, “This is mine,” instead of projecting it onto the other person.

It’s not easy work. But it’s how you move from unconscious reactions to conscious choice. How you create connection, rather than disconnection.
And it’s how you start creating relationships that are grounded in truth, not fear. 

Because I don’t believe that relationships are meant to make us happy all the time. Rather they are powerful teachers in emotional growth. They show us where healing is needed and give you us the chance (many if you are anything like me) to respond differently.

If you have every thought, it would be so much easier if I were alone - this is why.