4 things you brain hates - and how they impact your ability to create change

Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same frustrating patterns—procrastinating, people-pleasing, second-guessing, or struggling to follow through on what you know you want?

Despite what you might be telling yourself, I can assure you it isn’t because you are lazy, or weak or void of will power. You're just human—and your brain is doing exactly what it's designed to do: protect you from anything it perceives as a threat.

But here's the catch: your brain’s definition of “threat” doesn’t always match your goals. In fact, there are four specific things your brain hates—and when they show up (and they always do when you're trying to change), your mind will do just about anything to avoid them.

Let’s break them down:

1. Fear

Your brain is hardwired to scan for danger, and fear is its loudest alarm bell. Even if there’s no real threat—just fear of failure, rejection, or judgment—your brain reacts as if your survival is at stake.

What this looks like in everyday life:

• You delay starting something new because “it’s not the right time.”

• You stay in the safe but unfulfilling job, relationship, or routine.

• You talk yourself out of going after your goals because “what if it doesn’t work?”

Why it matters:
Fear keeps you small. But naming it takes away its power. When you understand that your brain sees fear as danger—even when it's just discomfort—you can begin to take action anyway. How often have you let fear stop you from speaking up? Asking for a pay rise? Going for the promotion? Correcting a colleague when they simply restate your idea and claim it as their own? Declining speaking at a conference that would be great for your profile.

2. Shame

Shame is one of the most painful human emotions. It tells you, “Something is wrong with me.” And because we're wired for connection, your brain interprets shame as a threat to your place in the tribe—aka survival.

What this looks like:

• You beat yourself up over a missed workout, overeating, or not being “productive enough.”

• You compare yourself constantly and feel like you’re falling short.

• You hide parts of yourself or avoid asking for help out of fear of being judged.

Why it matters:
Shame thrives in silence. The more we try to hide it, the more power it has. Learning to meet yourself with compassion, rather than criticism, is one of the most powerful steps toward lasting change. When I find myself wallowing in shame, I force myself to tell my partner, no matter what. Just that act alone lifts the shroud of heaviness I feel. Somedays the shame may feel like it is hanging around, and so on these I just try and provide myself with more comfort, allowing it to be there so it can eventually pass.

3. Uncertainty

Your brain loves predictability. It wants to know what’s coming next. When you step into the unknown—starting a new habit, setting a boundary, or changing careers—your brain panics.

What this looks like:

• You overthink every decision, trying to control the outcome.

• You procrastinate on taking action because you’re not 100% sure it will work.

• You jump back into old habits because they feel familiar, even if they don’t serve you.

Why it matters:
Growth always involves uncertainty. But learning to tolerate it—rather than resist it—is a skill you can build. It starts with trusting yourself to handle whatever comes next. When I left a secure corporate role to start my own business, this was a big one for me. My brain kept telling me I made a mistake, that I was crazy, that I would lose my home and regret my decision and never find another job again….yes my brain is melodramatic. But knowing it was just my brain freaking out meant that I could rein it in, take action, reassure it, rather than use it as a reason not to more forward.

4. Loss of Control

When things feel unpredictable or out of your hands, your brain experiences it as a loss of safety. This can trigger anxiety, frustration, or attempts to over-manage everything around you.

What this looks like:

• You micromanage your schedule, diet, or the people around you.

• You feel overwhelmed by the need to "do it all" perfectly.

• You struggle to rest or slow down, because doing nothing feels unsafe.

Why it matters:
True freedom comes not from controlling everything—but from learning how to feel grounded without needing certainty. This is where nervous system regulation and mindset tools come in. Some practises I like to do when I feel out of control are; write a list of what I can control. Go for a walk and take really deep breaths just to help my nervous system relax. Sometimes simply lying on the grass can support you just feeling grounded and connected.

Often when we feel out of control, we can over correct and try and control those around us - hot tip: from my experience this doesn’t work. One, because the other human we are trying to control also has a human brain and so will often respond in a way that has us feeling more out of control. My advice is try and really focus on what you can actually control, look inside rather than out.

So if you’ve been wondering why change feels so hard, this is it: your brain is designed to avoid fear, shame, uncertainty, and loss of control. And unfortunately, every meaningful change involves all four.

But here’s the empowering truth:
Once you know how your brain works, you can stop fighting yourself—and start working with your mind and body, not against them.