4 things you brain hates - and how they can sabotage you
Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same frustrating patterns—procrastinating, people-pleasing, second-guessing, or struggling to follow through on what you know you want?
Often we assume that if change feels hard, it must mean we (or our teams) lack discipline, willpower, or motivation. But neuroscience tells us something different.
Change isn’t hard because you’re weak — it’s hard because your brain is wired to avoid certain experiences that it interprets as “unsafe.” It is doing exactly what it's designed to do: protect you from anything it perceives as a threat. Our brains are wired for survival.
But here's the catch: your brain’s definition of “threat” doesn’t always equate to a threat in today’s world. Here are four things your brain hates—and when they show up (and they often do when you're trying to change), your mind will do just about anything to avoid them.
Let’s break them down:
1. Fear
Your brain is constantly scanning for danger, and fear is its most sensitive alarm. It doesn’t distinguish between physical risk and psychological discomfort — meaning the fear of rejection or failure can trigger the same avoidance response as genuine threat.
What this looks like:
You delay starting something new because “it’s not the right time.”
You stay in the safe but unfulfilling job, relationship, or routine.
You talk yourself out of going after your goals because “what if it doesn’t work?”
Why it matters:
Fear shrinks your range and keeps you small. When leaders act from fear, opportunities are lost and innovation stalls. Naming it for what it is — discomfort, not danger — allows you to move forward anyway. When you understand that your brain sees fear as danger—even when it's just discomfort—you can begin to take action anyway.
How often have you let fear stop you from speaking up? Asking for a pay rise? Going for the promotion? Correcting a colleague when they simply restate your idea and claim it as their own? Declining speaking at a conference that would be great for your profile.
2. Shame
Shame is one of the most painful human emotions. It tells you, “Something is wrong with me.” And because we're wired for connection, your brain interprets shame as a threat to your place in the tribe—aka survival.
What this looks like:
Overworking to “prove” your value.
Beating yourself up over (insert anything here really)…a missed workout, making a mistake, or not being “productive enough.”
Comparing yourself and constantly feeling like you’re falling short.
Hiding parts of yourself or avoiding asking for help out of fear of being judged.
Why it matters:
Shame thrives in silence. The more we try to hide it, the more power it has. In leaders, it can drive micromanagement and disengagement. Addressing shame with compassion, not criticism, is key to resilience and long-term performance. When I find myself wallowing in shame, I force myself to tell someone, no matter what. Just that act alone lifts the shroud of heaviness I feel.
3. Uncertainty
Your brain loves predictability. It wants to know what’s coming next. When you step into the unknown—starting a new habit, setting a boundary, or changing careers—your brain panics.
What this looks like:
Endless analysis before decisions, trying to guarantee outcomes.
Procrastinating on bold moves because you’re not 100% sure they’ll succeed.
Returning to old habits simply because they feel familiar.
Why it matters:
Growth always involves uncertainty. But learning to tolerate it—rather than resist it—is a skill you can build. It starts with trusting yourself to handle whatever comes next. When I left a secure corporate role to start my own business, this was a big one for me. My brain kept telling me I made a mistake, that I was crazy, that I would lose my home and regret my decision and never sign a client….yes my brain is melodramatic. But knowing it was just my brain freaking out meant that I could rein it in, take action, reassure it, rather than use it as a reason not to more forward.
4. Loss of Control
When things feel unpredictable, the brain interprets it as unsafe. That sense of vulnerability drives us to over-control. This can trigger anxiety, frustration, or attempts to over-manage everything around you.
What this looks like:
You micromanage your schedule, or your teams instead of empowering them
You fill every hour with activity to avoid “downtime.”
You struggle to rest, slow down, or delegate, because doing nothing feels unsafe
Why it matters:
Over-control limits growth — yours and your team’s. Effective leaders learn to anchor themselves internally, so they don’t have to externally control every variable. True freedom comes not from controlling everything—but from learning how to feel grounded without needing certainty.
This is where nervous system regulation and mindset tools come in. Often when we feel out of control, we can over correct and try and control those around us - hot tip: from my experience this rarely works, and instead often their reaction often has us feeling more out of control. Instead I would encourage you to really focus on what you can actually control, look inside rather than out.
The Bottom Line
Every meaningful change — in leadership, performance, or within yourself — triggers some combination of fear, shame, uncertainty, and loss of control.
If you’ve been wondering why change feels harder than it “should,” this is why. The challenge isn’t willpower — it’s wiring.
The good news? Once you understand how your brain works, you can stop resisting it and start working with it.
That shift doesn’t just create personal resilience. It creates the conditions for sustainable performance and authentic leadership. It enables you to see the discomfort for what it is and take action anyway.
