Why knowing what you want matters
As women, we’re often taught from a young age that we are carers — that our role is to ensure everyone around us is okay. It becomes second nature to think about what others need and how we can help. Over time, we become so skilled at tuning into everyone else that we stop asking ourselves the one question that matters most:
“What do I want?”
You’ve likely heard the phrase, what you practice is what you become good at. And it’s true — so many of my clients can tell me exactly what their partner, kids, or boss needs. But when I ask them what they want, there’s often a long pause. It’s not a question they’ve had the space — or the permission — to consider in a very long time.
The result? They’ve spent years putting their own dreams and goals last. And when they finally do prioritise themselves, it’s often laced with guilt or hesitation.
But here’s the truth I’ve learned — both through my own experience and through coaching other women: real change only happens when we stop, get honest, and ask:
“What do I really want?”
Without judgement. Without excuses. And then allow ourselves to believe: I’m worthy of that. I deserve to want what I want. It is possible.
My Own Turning Point
For over 20 years, I had a successful corporate career — and for most of that time, I genuinely loved it. But a few years ago, I noticed something shift. I was less excited, more agitated, short-tempered, and emotional (in that slightly chaotic way where nothing feels grounded).
It wasn’t until I stopped and asked myself whether the path I was on was one I still wanted, that I opened myself up to the possibility of something more.
Now for me, that meant a career change. But it doesn’t always have to. Asking yourself what you want isn’t about blowing up your life — it’s about opening yourself up.
Sometimes that question reveals that you do want your career, your relationships, your current path — you’ve just fallen into a pattern of resenting it. And that simple shift changes everything. Suddenly, instead of feeling trapped, you feel grateful. Instead of resenting what you already have, you start appreciating it. And that renewed perspective changes how you feel, and in turn, how you show up.
Why Having a Vision Matters
With a renewed vision comes energy, focus, clarity, and excitement. Too many of us fall into the belief that this is just adult life — and everything slowly turns grey. We settle. We assume the best days are behind us, reserved for when we were younger, freer, and less responsible.
But that’s not the truth.
Having a vision that excites you becomes an anchor. It’s the filter through which you can run decisions. It stops you from feeling like you’re abdicating your life and your choices. And as soon as you feel that sense of ownership, the resentment lifts.
For those of you with children, this is even more powerful. Having a parent who is inspired by their own life — who isn’t quick to anger, who isn’t just surviving the day — models for them why asking “What do I want?” matters. It shows them what it looks like to live with intention, not obligation.
Re-Deciding What You Want
Here’s the thing: many of us already have the lives we once dreamed of. The job, the home, the family. But instead of appreciating it, we resent it.
The fix? Review it. Re-decide. Ask yourself honestly: Is this what I actually want?
That act alone puts you back in control. It reaffirms what you do want and shows you clearly where you might need to make adjustments.
Because what you want matters — not just because you matter, but because when you are aligned with what you want, everyone around you benefits too.
Why It Feels Hard to Ask
Here’s where most of us get stuck:
We doubt whether our desires are valid.
We dismiss them as selfish or unrealistic.
We fear prioritising ourselves will let others down.
These aren’t personal failings. They’re thought patterns your brain has rehearsed to keep you “safe.” To your brain, the unknown feels dangerous. And being alone feels unsafe — which is why so many of us people-please, or default to what others want instead of what we want. Our brain wants acceptance from the pact.
But here’s the cost: those patterns keep you small. They hold you back from the life you deeply want, or enjoying the life you may already have.
Uncovering What You Want
Here are a few questions to get you started.
Notice your brain wanting to resist. That’s normal. Just guide it gently back.
If you believed that what you wanted truly mattered, what would you do differently?
If you gave yourself permission to prioritise your goals, how would your week change?
What’s stopping you from taking those actions today?
What are four small steps you could take this week to move closer to your goal?
Your brain will resist change. That’s its job — it’s trying to protect you from the unknown. But the more clarity you create around what you want, the more certainty you build about how to get there, the easier it becomes to move forward.
A Final Reminder
I remind my clients (and myself) often: Life is the journey, not the destination.
The thought “it will be better when…” is one of the most insidious ways we rob ourselves of the life we already have.
Deciding what you want — and re-deciding when necessary — isn’t indulgent. It’s the work of building a life you can actually love, today.
