It’s Not a Discipline Problem. It’s a Desire Problem.
You already know what you want to do.
Leave work on time.
Stop checking emails after dinner.
Go to bed instead of scrolling.
Skip the extra glass of wine.
You’ve made the plan. Set the boundary. Promised yourself that tomorrow will be different.
And yet, when the moment arrives, you do the opposite. Again.
This isn’t because you lack discipline, motivation, or commitment.
It’s because in that moment, a different desire is driving the decision, one that feels more urgent than the life you’re trying to build.
Until you understand that desire, willpower will always lose.
The Desires You're Not Talking About
Most corporate programs focus on what you need to DO: time management, productivity hacks, leadership frameworks, wellness initiatives.
Very few address what's actually driving your choices in the moment: desire.
And if you don't understand how desire works, especially the sneaky ways it can show up, it will derail you every single time.
For example, say your goal is to to create better work-life balance.
But when 5:45pm rolls around and you're staring at your inbox, a different desire kicks in:
The desire to feel organised
The desire to avoid the discomfort of leaving something undone
The desire to prove you're capable, valuable, indispensable
The desire to not feel the anxiety that comes with stopping
That desire feels more urgent than the quiet, long-term desire of "I want a life that doesn't drain me." So you stay. You answer the emails. You push through. And then blame your inbox for why you feel drained.
This Isn't About Willpower
Here's the truth: your brain is wired to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. The motivational triad.
That means anything that feels easier or more comfortable in the moment will win, unless you've built the awareness and systems to override it.
This shows up everywhere:
You want to work out consistently.
But when your alarm goes off at 5.15am, the desire to stay in bed feels more urgent than the desire to feel strong three months from now.
You want to stop people-pleasing.
But when someone asks you to take on another task, the desire to avoid their disappointment feels more urgent than the desire to protect your capacity.
You want to eat well and drink less.
But at the end of an exhausting day, the desire for comfort, wine, takeaway, chocolate, feels more urgent than the desire to feel proud of yourself tomorrow.
This is not a discipline problem. It's a desire management problem.
And most of us haven’t actually been taught how to manage it. Rather we have been told to resist our way through it, which I can assure you is the fast road to no where sustainable.
The Real Cost of Unchecked Desire
When short-term desires consistently override long-term ones, here's what happens:
You stay stuck in the same patterns, year after year.
You set goals in January that quietly roll into the next year's list.
You feel like you're constantly failing yourself, even though you're succeeding at everything else.
You start to believe you just don't have what it takes, when the reality is: you're fighting a battle you were never equipped to win.
I see this with my clients all the time. They're brilliant. Competent. Can solve complex problems at work without breaking a sweat. They are usually the most capable and strongest in the room (which incidentally is something that can actually work against them in this scenario, as they can endure more suffering than most, more on that in a future article).
But when it comes to honouring the boundaries they've set for themselves? Following through on their own goals? They can't seem to do it. Not because they're weak. But because they've never learned to identify and redirect the desires that are running the show.
What Are You Really Seeking?
The first step in being able to choose a different way in that moment when the desire shows up is to find out what it is you are seeking.
When you delay, distract, or sabotage yourself, you're not lazy. You're trying to feel better.
When you are tired, overwhelmed, feeling under-appreciated or you are simply stretched too thin. In that moment you are seeking whatever offers immediate relief wins.
The wine after a brutal day? It's not about the alcohol. It's about finally exhaling.
The scroll before bed? It's not about Instagram. It's about numbing the mental noise.
The "yes" when you meant to say "no"? It's not about the task. It's about avoiding guilt, conflict, or the discomfort of disappointing someone.
The problem isn't the desire itself. It's that you haven't created better ways to meet the underlying need.
How I Learned This the Hard Way
For years, I had a 3pm slump. I'd reach for sugar or another coffee, not because I was hungry, but because I was mentally drained. It wasn't until I asked myself, "What am I really after?" that I realised: I didn't need a snack. I needed energy, relief, and a reset.
So I tried something different. Instead of a Pepsi Max and Kit Kat, I made myself a sparkling herbal tea and stepped outside for five minutes.
At first, my brain hated it. It wanted the instant hit.
But over time, that short walk became the reset I looked forward to. And it gave me what I actually needed, without the 3pm crash.
That's how we start managing our desire. Not through suppression, or deprivation. But instead through first awareness and then redirection. Creating new associations and being willing to experience the short term discomfort while we create these new associations.
The Framework: Desire Management for Goal Achievement
Below are 4 key steps you can take to support you in starting to make different choices.
1. Notice When Short-Term Desires Show Up
Pay attention to the moments when you deviate from your plan.
When do you reach for your phone when you said you wouldn't?
When do you say yes when you meant to say no?
When do you stay at work when you promised yourself you'd leave?
When do you reach for food, wine, or distraction when you're not actually hungry or thirsty?
These moments are not character flaws. They're patterns. And patterns can be changed.
2. Ask: What Am I Really Seeking?
In that moment, what do you actually need?
Comfort?
Control?
Relief?
Connection?
To feel valued?
To escape discomfort?
Get specific. Because once you know what you're really after, you can find better ways to give it to yourself.
3. Create Alternative Ways to Meet That Need
If you're reaching for wine because you need to decompress: What else could give you that release? A walk? A bath? Ten minutes of silence?
If you're saying yes because you need to feel valued: What else could give you that validation? Acknowledging your own wins? Setting a boundary and seeing that you're still respected?
If you're scrolling because you need to turn your brain off: What else could give you that mental break? Reading? Stretching? Talking to a friend?
The goal isn't to eliminate pleasure. It's to align your choices with what you actually want long-term. Now when you first start switching out, it may not feel as good, especially if the solve you previously had (like wine) artificiality spiked your dopamine. But I can promise you, over time the natural dopamine you will feel far outweighs any artificially spike. One thing I would do, is remind myself that following all artificial spikes are a negative fall.
4. Build the Skill of Honouring Your Plan
Every time you pause and choose differently, you're building self-trust.
You're proving to yourself: "I can feel the pull of the short-term desire and still choose what's best for me."
Building self trust will increase your confidence and the more you honour your long-term desires, the less intense the pull of the short-term ones becomes.
It becomes a win win, and feels like a superpower.
Try This: A Simple Reflection Exercise
Choose one situation where you consistently get pulled off course.
Maybe it's the evening scroll. The extra glass of wine. The "yes" when you meant "no." The staying late when you promised you'd leave.
Write down:
What you usually do (the behaviour you're trying to shift)
What you're really seeking in that moment (be honest)
2-3 new ways you could give yourself what you need without sabotaging your bigger goal
One you'll commit to trying this week
Then notice how you feel after.
Not just physically, but emotionally. Do you feel more in control? More aligned? More like yourself?
That's the evidence your brain needs to start choosing differently. It is a deliberate practise and to create change. We need to build the evidence for our brain, until soon enough, we reset. We create a new normal for our brain to maintain, one that is actually aligned to the choices you want to make.
The Bottom Line
Big change doesn't come from grand gestures or New Year's resolutions.It comes from these small, intentional shifts, done consistently.
From learning to pause in the moment and ask: "What do I really need right now? And how can I give that to myself in a way that supports who I'm becoming?” Remember from last week, the identity we are becoming.
Because the truth is, if you are not achieving your goals, and find yourself choosing differently to how you had originally planned it is not because you have no self control or discipline. You are simply struggling because you've been fighting a battle without the right tools.
Desire management is a critical piece. And once you learn it, everything else gets easier.
Want help with this?
The Reset Method is a 90-day coaching program designed to help high-performing corporate women regulate their nervous systems, break exhausting patterns, and build lives that feel sustainable—not just survivable.
We don't just work on what you need to do. We work on what's actually getting in your way.
Learn more here: The Reset Method
