I Used to Give Strangers My Best and My Family My Worst

Every year, I lay out my goals. I write my plan. I review what worked, what didn't, and who I need to be to achieve what I'm after.

But this year, I'm shifting more of my focus to identity. Who I want to be. How I want to show up in the different parts of my life, for the different people in my life.

I remember hearing a story about a husband who complained to his wife that he and the kids got the worst of her, while strangers got the best, the most patient, well-mannered, happy version.

When I think about my own life, I can see how this was true for me too.

After a massive day at work, I'd come home completely exhausted and emotionally drained. I'd spent the past eight hours running from one meeting to another, all on different topics, all important—so I couldn't check out. I had to be "on," focused for the full hour, before quickly resetting and going again. My EA would deliver a Pepsi Max or an apple to my meeting rooms to make up for the lunches I was missing.

When I was younger and without family commitments, those days weren't so bad. Why? Because I had the gift of time. I didn't need to run meetings back-to-back, I could get in earlier and work later. But as my roles got bigger, so did my family commitments. Hence the crunch.

I'd be rushing for school pickup, a doctor's appointment, getting to the supermarket (thank god for online grocery delivery). Constantly juggling being the best employee, the best leader for my team, and the best mum.

For a long time, it didn't matter what I did, I always thought I could do more, be better.

But it wasn't until I actually defined who I wanted to be and how I wanted to show up, thereby defining what was "good enough" that I could start really enjoying both being a mum and working in corporate.

I could drop the guilt that plagues so many high-performing women and instead use that energy to be the best version of me. Someone who over delivers in their job. Who's proud of how they turn up, how they lead their teams, how they conduct themselves in meetings, rather than being distracted, stressed, reactive, and short-tempered.

As a mum, it made me more present. I dropped the mental baggage of constantly telling myself I wasn't doing enough. That my son would be impacted.

I remember telling one of the mums at school that I felt bad for missing a school excursion (at this point, I'd already been on many of them). She laughed and told me she'd never volunteered for one and wasn't bothered at all. The difference? I felt guilty for working, so I was trying to overcompensate. She didn't feel guilty, so not going didn't mean she wasn't a good mum.

So this year, I'm being very intentional.

I'm defining for myself how I want to show up as a mum, partner, business owner, daughter, sister, and friend. And because other drivers on the road cause me more grief than I'd like to admit, I'm also defining how I want to show up as a driver, one who isn't easily irritated or feeling aggressive. I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.

The Key: Define What "Good" Actually Looks Like

When going through this process, it's really important to define what good looks like. To provide your brain with certainty, because our brains like what's known, so we need to be very clear and deliberate about what it is and isn't.

For example, this year as a mum, I want to be someone who is very present with my son when he gets home from school and at dinner. I want to not be on the phone, taking calls, or checking emails.

So to do this, I need to ensure I don't schedule meetings at that time. I need to put my phone on silent. I need to accept that I won't be able to take calls from other family or friends during that window.

The more detail you can provide, the easier it will be to follow through.

Who Do You Need to Be?

For my goals this year, I'm defining who I need to be, how I need to show up, in order to achieve them.

One of my goals is to really focus on building my capacity. As I head into perimenopause, I'm noticing a lot of changes. I can't push as hard as I used to in some areas. Different things exhaust me now, and different things energise me. So I'm really focusing on what drains me and what builds my capacity, and I'm building that into my week very deliberately.

This means I need to be someone who:

• Plans for times in the day to build back my capacity

• Honours decisions I've made for myself ahead of time

• Stays curious rather than judgmental

• Experiences discomfort as I put in boundaries around what I will and won't do

So if you have goals this year and you've already laid out the steps you need to take, I really encourage you to consider this:

Who do you need to be to follow those steps? To execute on your plan?

Because when we're achieving our goals, we're evolving our identity. We're changing how we show up.

This is one of the reasons I like to set goals for myself, not just to achieve the goal and build trust in myself, but also to go through the process of evolving my identity.

An Invitation

If this resonates, and you can see yourself in the patterns I’ve described, this is exactly the work I guide women through inside The Reset Method.

It’s a practical framework to help you step out of autopilot, regulate your nervous system, redefine what “good” looks like for you, and deliberately choose how you want to show up, at work, at home, and in your life.

If you’re ready to stop reacting and start leading your life with intention, check it out

👉 Find out more about The Reset Method.