You are not burnt out. Your nervous system is dysregulated.
Understanding the nervous system pattern keeping you exhausted (and what to do about it)
A few years ago, I would have described myself as highly productive.
I was efficient at work. I managed a full schedule. I prided myself on being able to handle high-pressure situations. People would comment on how much I got done.
But here's what was also true:
I needed coffee to function in the morning. By mid-afternoon, I was crashing and reaching for more caffeine. I'd use wine in the evening to "unwind" because I couldn't seem to relax on my own. I'd collapse into bed exhausted, only to wake at 3am with my mind racing through tomorrow's to-do list.
I thought this was just what busy, successful women did. The price of having a demanding career and a full life.
It wasn't until much later — after burning out, after getting support, after learning about nervous system regulation — that I understood what was really happening.
I wasn't productive. I was dysregulated.
And there's a massive difference between the two.
What Dysregulation Actually Looks Like
Your nervous system has two primary states: sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest).
In a healthy, regulated nervous system, you move fluidly between these states throughout the day. You activate when you need to focus or respond to a challenge. Then you downregulate when the challenge passes, allowing your body to rest and recover.
But for most high-achieving women — especially those over 40 juggling demanding careers and family responsibilities — the nervous system gets stuck in sympathetic activation. Fight-or-flight becomes the baseline.
This is what dysregulation looks like in daily life:
In the morning:
You wake up already feeling behind. Your mind is racing before your feet hit the floor. You need coffee immediately just to feel "normal." You're moving fast, responding to messages, mentally running through your day — all before you've even left the house.
During the day:
You're efficient, focused, getting things done. But you're also tense. Your jaw is tight. Your shoulders are up around your ears. You're holding your breath without realising it. You skip lunch or eat at your desk because "there's no time." You push through the afternoon energy slump with more caffeine.
In the evening:
You finally stop moving, but your body is still wired. You can't seem to relax. You need wine or Netflix or scrolling to "wind down" — external tools to force your nervous system into a state it should be able to access naturally. You're exhausted but can't sleep. When you finally do sleep, it's restless.
At 3am:
You wake up with your mind racing. Worrying about work. Replaying conversations. Planning tomorrow. Your body is tired, but your nervous system is on high alert.
If you're nodding along to any of this, you're not lazy. You're not undisciplined. You're not failing at "self-care."
Your nervous system is dysregulated. And you can't think your way out of it.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
When I first learned about nervous system regulation, my immediate thought was: "Great, another thing I need to add to my to-do list."
But here's what I've come to understand: This isn't about adding more self-care activities to an already packed schedule. It's about understanding what's actually driving your exhaustion — and why all the other strategies you've tried haven't worked.
Because when your nervous system is chronically dysregulated, it affects everything:
Your health:
Chronic stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline) wreak havoc on your body. They affect your digestion, your sleep, your hormones, your immune system, your cardiovascular health. The exhaustion you feel isn't just "being busy" — it's your body paying a physiological price.
Your relationships:
When you're in fight-or-flight mode, you're not fully present. You're physically there but mentally somewhere else. You're more reactive, less patient, quicker to snap. You know you're not showing up the way you want to for the people you love, but you can't seem to shift it.
Your work:
What feels like productivity is often just urgency-driven reactivity. You're putting out fires, responding to whatever feels most pressing, operating from a place of "I have to" rather than "I choose to." Real strategic thinking requires a regulated nervous system — you can't access your higher-level cognitive functions when you're in survival mode.
Your sense of self:
When dysregulation becomes your baseline, you lose touch with who you are underneath the stress. You feel disconnected from yourself. Like you're just going through the motions. Like something is missing, but you can't quite name what.
This was my experience. I spent years feeling like I was operating at half capacity — like there was a version of me that I couldn't quite access. It wasn't until I learned to regulate my nervous system that I understood: That version of me had been there all along. She was just buried under chronic stress.
Why "Just Relax" Doesn't Work
If you've ever been told to "just relax" or "take a day off" or "try meditation," you know how unhelpful that advice feels when you're chronically dysregulated.
Because here's the thing: When your nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight, your body literally cannot relax on demand. It's not a willpower issue. It's a physiological state.
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do — keeping you safe from perceived threats. The problem is, it can't distinguish between a real threat (a lion chasing you) and a perceived threat (an overflowing inbox, a difficult conversation, the fear of disappointing someone).
So it stays activated. All day. Every day.
Taking a weekend off or going to a yoga class might provide temporary relief, but if you don't address the underlying dysregulation, you'll be right back in survival mode by Monday morning.
I learned this the hard way. I tried everything — meditation apps, yoga, spa days, holidays. They all felt good in the moment, but nothing stuck. Because I was treating the symptoms without addressing the root cause.
What Actually Works: Nervous System Regulation
So if "just relax" doesn't work, what does?
Nervous system regulation isn't about forcing yourself to calm down. It's about giving your body the signals it needs to downregulate naturally.
Here's what I've learned works:
1. Awareness First
You can't change what you can't see. Start noticing when you're in sympathetic activation:
Tight jaw or clenched teeth
Shallow breathing or holding your breath
Tense shoulders
Racing thoughts
Feeling wired and tired at the same time
Unable to sit still or relax
Simply noticing — without judgment — is the first step.
2. Micro-Practices Throughout the Day
This is the game-changer. Instead of trying to carve out 30 minutes for meditation, practice regulation in small moments throughout your day:
Box breathing (60 seconds):
Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4. Repeat 4 times. This signals to your body that you're safe. Can’t even concentrate on that, bend over touch your toes and breathe.
Grounding (2 minutes):
Notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. This brings you into the present moment and out of fight-or-flight. To super charge this, I take my shoes off and walk, or lie on grass while doing it.
Somatic shaking (1 minute):
Literally shake out your body — arms, legs, whole body. This helps release stored tension and stress hormones. Trust your body here, it will lead you (and as always I recommend turning on one of your favourite songs).
Humming or singing (any length):
The vagal nerve (which controls parasympathetic activation) is stimulated by humming. Even 30 seconds helps. Think trying to sound like a bee
These aren't "nice to have" self-care activities. They're essential maintenance for a dysregulated nervous system.
3. Shift Your Relationship with Productivity
This is the deeper work. Start questioning the beliefs that keep you in chronic activation:
"I have to be productive all the time."
"Rest is something I earn after I've done enough."
"If I slow down, everything will fall apart."
"My worth is tied to what I accomplish."
These beliefs keep your nervous system on high alert. Because if your brain thinks your survival depends on constant productivity, it will keep you in fight-or-flight to ensure you keep going.
When I started examining my own beliefs about productivity and worth, I realised I had been operating from fear for years. Fear of not being enough. Fear of disappointing people. Fear that if I stopped pushing so hard, I'd lose everything I'd worked for.
That fear was the fuel keeping me dysregulated.
The Shift
Here's what changed for me when I finally learned to regulate my nervous system:
Energy returned.
Not the jittery, caffeine-fueled energy of dysregulation, but sustainable, grounded energy. The kind that lasts all day without crashing.
Sleep improved.
I could actually fall asleep without needing external tools to "shut down." And when I woke at night, I could get back to sleep instead of lying awake for hours.
Presence came back.
I could be with my son without my mind being at work. I could have conversations without planning my response while the other person was still talking. I felt like myself again.
Work became more effective.
Counterintuitively, when I stopped operating from a place of urgency and started working from a regulated state, I got more done. Better work. In less time. Because I wasn't wasting energy on stress and reactivity.
I could actually enjoy my life.
This was the big one. Life stopped feeling like something I had to get through and started feeling like something I got to experience.
The Invitation
If you've read this far and you're recognising yourself in these patterns, I want you to know something important:
You're not broken. You're not lazy. You're not failing at life. And there definitely isn’t something fundamentally wrong with you!
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do — trying to keep you safe. It's just gotten stuck in a pattern that's no longer serving you.
And patterns can be changed.
This week, I invite you to try just one thing:
Notice when you're dysregulated. Don't try to fix it or judge yourself for it. Just notice. "Oh, I'm in fight-or-flight right now. My shoulders are tense. My breath is shallow."
Then try one micro-practice. Just one. Box breathing for 60 seconds. Grounding for 2 minutes. Whatever feels accessible.
That's it. That's the starting point.
Because here's what I've learned: You don't change a dysregulated nervous system overnight. You change it through consistent, small practices. Through awareness. Through giving your body the signals it needs to know it's safe to rest.
You deserve to feel energised instead of exhausted.
You deserve to be present instead of constantly planning.
You deserve to enjoy your life instead of just surviving it.
And it starts with understanding: You're dysregulated.
Need more support?
I'm launching a 12-week coaching program in the new year specifically for corporate women over 40 who are ready to break the cycle of exhaustion. Nervous system regulation is one of the three core pillars we'll work on together. Join the waitlist to be the first to know when doors open.
