Loving yourself as an action
A few years ago, someone asked me a question I wasn’t expecting:
“Do you love yourself?”
I hesitated before answering, “I think so.”
When I thought about what loving myself meant, I assumed it was about being a good person — loyal, trustworthy, kind to others. I believed I was generally okay. But then came the follow-up question that really stumped me:
“What actions do you take that are loving towards yourself?”
That question shifted everything.
Until that point, I’d understood self-love as something abstract — a belief or feeling. I hadn’t considered it as something you do, something you actively give yourself. I had no real answer. I felt a bit embarrassed. Everyone talks about the importance of loving yourself first — and I thought I “got it.” But when I really reflected on it, I realized I’d never stopped to ask:
What does it practically mean to love myself?
So I started paying attention.
How did I pursue my goals?
Did I encourage myself — or did I shame myself into taking action?
How did I speak to myself?
Was I supportive — or did I sound like a disapproving critic?
How did I set boundaries?
Did I say yes from a place of desire — or out of fear, guilt, or the need for approval?
How did I eat?
Was I nourishing my body — or just trying to get through the day?
Sometimes I’d tell myself that finishing a bag of chips was “self-care,” only to shame myself afterward for lacking control.
Across all of these areas (and more), it became clear:
I wasn’t showing up in a truly loving way for myself.
Then came another confronting thought:
“If I’m too soft on myself, I’ll never get anything done.”
But was that really true?
Was being hard on myself actually working?
Was under-eating and then beating myself up for drinking too much really helping me lose weight — or just keeping me stuck in the same cycle?
So I flipped the question:
How could loving myself help me move closer to my goals?
Could love — not punishment — actually be the harder, braver path?
What would I do differently if I were actively practising self-love?
For many of us, this is an entirely new practice. We’re simply not used to treating ourselves with kindness. But what I’ve discovered is this:
When we start taking more loving actions toward ourselves, we no longer need to escape ourselves.
We stop seeking pleasure as a way to numb out, and instead start experiencing pleasure as an act of connection. We stop pretending. And we show up as our more authentic, empowered selves.
So if self-love is not a feeling, but an action...
What could loving yourself look like in your day-to-day life?
What would you do differently if you were deeply committed to caring for yourself — the way you care for the people you love most?
And if this still feels hard, here’s something that might help:
Bring to mind someone you truly love.
Now list all the ways you show love to them — big and small.
What if you started doing even a few of those things for yourself?
Because often, the way we give love is exactly how we long to receive it.
And who better to give it to you… than you?
