What If Perimenopause Isn't Something to Survive, But Something to Listen To?

I was talking to a girlfriend recently, we’re both in the thick of perimenopause and she's finding it genuinely hard. The mood swings, the hormonal roller coaster, feeling that she's not quite herself, not fully in control. And made me wonder if perimenopause isn't just something happening to us, but rather is trying to show us something? And what if it is actually for us, not something we just have to get through.

The Conversation That Changed How I See Perimenopause

Last summer I was away and was chatting with a woman in her sixties. We were talking about life, about getting older, and she said something that really resonated:

"We all have our stuff. Our patterns, our thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve us. And if you don't do the work on them in your thirties and forties, they become so much harder to move through later, because the neural pathways just get more and more ingrained."

For me, an acute personal crisis over a decade ago was the catalyst that forced me to really understand myself, my patterns, my thoughts, the things I'd been carrying without realising it. It cracked me open in a way I hadn't chosen but ultimately needed.

But most women don't get that kind of jolt. There's no single moment that demands they stop and look inward. Rather life just keeps moving, and so do they, managing, coping, getting through.

And then perimenopause arrives, like a freight train that is impacting so many of my friends and clients at the moment.

It is a lot, the hormones are unpredictable. Some days you feel fine, and other days you're a different person by 3pm. It's real, and it's hard. But what if that's not the whole story?

Perimenopause in Your 40s: What If the Timing Is Deliberate?

I've started to wonder whether perimenopause, as uncomfortable and messy as it can be, is actually the way the universe supports women in their forties to do the work they need to do.

Not new work. Old work.

Because I don't believe perimenopause is bringing up anything new. What I believe, and what I see in myself and in the women I work with, is that it magnifies what's already there. The patterns that have been quietly running in the background. The thoughts we've managed to buffer for years. The emotional responses we've been able to smooth over with a bit more ease.

The reduction in oestrogen and progesterone strips away some of that buffering capacity. The things we could once push down with a glass of wine, a packed schedule, or sheer willpower, they start rising to the surface, more intensely than before.

And that is uncomfortable, but it's also, I think, a gift, if we're willing to look at it that way.

What I would like to offer it to consider that perimenopause may just be the window, the opportunity we get in our forties, to really see what's been driving our experience? To look at the patterns, the reactions, the beliefs we've been carrying, and decide, one by one: does this still serve me? Or is this something I want to let go?

Why HRT Alone Doesn't Address the Emotional Patterns Underneath

I want to be really clear here, I'm not anti-HRT, and I'm not minimising how much hormonal treatment can help.

But I also do not see it as the solution, rather I look it as a bit like taking Panadol for a headache you've had for ten years. It takes the edge off, it helps you get through the day. But it doesn't solve for what's underneath.

If the hormones were buffering patterns and thoughts that were already there, and the hormones reduce, the answer isn't just to replace the buffer, it's to do the work underneath as well. To understand what you've been carrying and to finally address the thing that have been there all along.

Because that's where the real opportunity is. That's where you stop just getting through perimenopause, and start coming out the other side of it as a freer, lighter, more self-aware version of yourself. Ready to tackle, embrace and enjoy the next half. I like to visualise my clients getting to the other side having left behind their baggage and walking away with a load of wisdom, compassion and love.

What Doing the Inner Work During Perimenopause Actually Looks Like

I want to share what I'm actually doing right now, because I think sometimes we make the "work underneath" sound more overwhelming than it needs to be.

I've been using these tools, the mindset work, the nervous system regulation, the pattern recognition and systems, for over a decade. And I'll be honest: I'm leaning on them more than ever right now, as perimenopause has a way of testing everything. But I'm genuinely grateful for them, because rather than getting swept away and feeling like it's all too much, I can see what's happening. I can catch the pattern, pause, and reset. That doesn't mean it's always easy, but it means I'm not at the mercy of it.

And that makes all the difference.

For me, in practice, it looks like this: when I have a reaction that feels disproportionate, and honestly, it's usually with my partner, instead of dismissing it as "oh, that's just the hormones," I try to get a little bit curious. Not analytical, or judgmental, or defensive, just curious.

What was that actually about? What's the seed underneath that reaction? What's it trying to tell me?

Because there's always something there. The hormones might have turned up the volume, but the song was already playing. And when I take a moment to listen, really listen, I usually find something worth paying attention to. A belief that's been running quietly in the background. A pattern I keep repeating. Something I've been tolerating that I actually don't want to tolerate anymore.

That's the work. And perimenopause, for all its inconvenience, is giving us a window straight into it.

You Don't Have to Just Survive Perimenopause

If you're in perimenopause right now and you're struggling, I get it and frankly am in it with you. It's real, it’s hard and no you're not imagining it, nor are you alone.

But I want to offer you a different lens to hold alongside everything else you're doing. What if, rather than just surviving this time, you used it?

What if you got a little bit curious about the reactions that feel too big, the patterns that keep showing up, the thoughts you've been quietly tolerating for years? What if this is actually the moment, the perfect moment, to start understanding yourself more deeply, to love more of what you find, and to let go of what you no longer need?

Rather than writing it off as something that you need to just get through and hope for the best, that your relationship and your opinion of yourself survive it. Why not consider that instead you are being given a look behind the curtain of your own inner world. And what you choose to do with that is entirely up to you.

The women I know who've leaned into that, who've done both the hormonal support and the inner work, don't just get through perimenopause. They come out the other side feeling more like themselves than they have in years.

That's what I want for you.

If you're ready to start looking at what's underneath, not just managing the symptoms on the surface, I'd love to support you. Let's talk.