The One Question I Use as a Filter for Every Decision
A few years ago, I realised I wasn't stuck because I didn't know what to do. I was stuck because I kept making decisions that quietly pulled me away from the life I said I wanted.
I would tell myself I wanted more balance, but I would keep saying yes to things I didn't have capacity for. I would tell myself I wanted more energy, but I would continue making choices that left me exhausted. I would tell myself I wanted a different experience of life, one that felt calmer, more sustainable and more enjoyable, yet somehow I kept recreating the same reality.
The frustrating thing was that it wasn’t because I didn't know what to do, or because I lacked motivation (I was extremely motivated) or because of lack of trying. What was actually happening was that most of the decisions pulling me away from what I wanted looked completely reasonable in the moment.
Saying yes to one more request. Working a little later. Putting myself last for another day. Waiting until things felt less busy before finally booking that weekend away. None of these decisions felt significant on their own, but over time they were creating a life that looked very different from the one I said I wanted.
Frustrated and exhausted one morning, I was in a yoga class the teacher said something that I now use anytime I catch myself hesitating, rationalising or drifting off course:
Will this serve the path I want to be on?
It is one of the simplest questions I know, but it has become one of the most powerful filters I use when making decisions. Because most of the time the problem isn't that we don't know what to do. The problem is that we keep choosing what feels comfortable, familiar or urgent in the moment, over what serves us in the long run. And as I talked about in my blog Are You Choosing Option A or Option B? the reason we are choosing another action does serve us in some way.
Why Staying on the Path Is Harder Than Finding It
One of the things I have noticed working with women in corporate is that most do not struggle to identify what they want. They want more energy, to feel less reactive. They want stronger boundaries and to stop carrying work stress into their evenings and weekends. They want to enjoy the life they have worked so hard to build.
The challenge is rarely identifying the destination, the goal and what they want, the challenge is staying on the path long enough to get there. Because once you have identified what you want, your brain starts doing exactly what it was designed to do; it looks for comfort, for familiarity and ways to conserve energy. Which is not aligned, or supportive of the change you might be trying to make. Why? Because your brain does not particularly care about growth, it cares about safety, and growth almost always requires doing something unfamiliar. That is why the moment you start moving towards something different, your mind starts generating alternatives.
Now this rarely sounds like obvious self-sabotage, it sounds far more reasonable. Something like maybe now isn't the right time, or I'll focus on myself once this project is finished. A few of my old favourites; I’ll start next week when things settle down. I don't want to disappoint anyone, or what if I put all this effort in and nothing changes anyway?
The thoughts are convincing because they feel practical, responsible and sometimes they even feel wise. But often they are simply resistance dressed up as logic. Which is why I love the question, "Will this serve the path I want to be on?" as it gives you a way to cut through that noise. Not because it removes resistance, but because it gives you something to assess against, when resistance inevitably appears.
Clarity Has to Come First
Of course, the question only works if you know what path you are trying to be on. If you haven't defined what you want, every option can seem equally valid. Which is why this is one of the first things I work through with clients. And as a side note, I often find it interesting that so many of us who have worked in corporate are really good at problem and outcome definition when we apply it to a business case, or project we are working on. In fact it was probably the very first question I asked my teams when they came to me with a proposal, but so often we fail to do it in our own lives. So this is where we start: What do you actually want? Not what you think you should want, or what other people expect you to want. But what would make life feel more sustainable, more enjoyable and more aligned with the person you want to be?
Once that is clear, we identify the actions that support it, because for those of you who have had New Year’s resolutions go to the wayside by day 21 of the new year, you would know that goals are rarely achieved through one big decision, but instead are achieved through hundreds of small ones. The way I like to think of it is as a river. Your goal is the destination and the river is the path. Every decision either keeps you flowing in that direction, or gradually diverts you somewhere else.
Most people do not wake up one day and make a dramatic decision that takes them off course, instead they drift. A little compromise here, a delay there. A promise to themselves postponed until next week. Individually, none of these choices seem significant, but collectively, they can take you somewhere completely different. And the longer you drift, the easier it becomes to convince yourself that maybe the destination was never that important anyway.
That is why clarity matters, because once the path is defined, you have something against which every decision can be measured with the filter question: Will this serve the path that I am on?
Putting It Into Practice
A simple way to do this is by creating a map. To do this, you take a piece of paper and write down a goal that genuinely matters to you. (It doesn’t need to sounds impressive, it just needs to be meaningful to you).
Then ask yourself:
What actions would the version of me who achieves this goal be consistently taking?
Write them down.
Next, ask yourself:
What are the situations, thoughts, habits and patterns that most commonly pull me away from those actions?
For each of these situations how can I support myself to stay on the path?
This is where the real insight usually appears.
For many, the list of derailers may include things like agreeing to a meeting when you had time blocked out to complete your own work. Prioritising solving your colleagues issues over your own. Staying late and missing the strength training session you had booked. Attending a work dinner, even though you have been away travelling with work all week and wanted a night at home with your family. Basically letting guilt, obligation and fear make decisions that should be driven by intention.
Once you identify those patterns, the next step is deciding how you will respond when they appear. Now, this is not about getting it perfect, or planning for what you would do when everything is going to plan. It is about deciding how you respond to them when life happens. The reason the plan becomes so important is that motivation is unreliable, willpower is finite, but a plan can help support you, it becomes your scaffolding. It is identifying the likely variables that may derail you and creating a contingency to deal with those variables. Basically applying business practises to your own life.
Because when you have all of the pieces, the path, the obstacles and contingencies, you no longer need to rely on willpower or motivation.
Following the Path When It Gets Hard
Knowing the path is often the easy part. Following it when you are tired, overwhelmed or questioning yourself is where the real work begins. It may require allowing discomfort, letting go of your old ways, disappointing others (cue discomfort). But every time you choose the path intentionally, something important happens, you build self-trust through repeated evidence. You start proving to yourself that you are someone you can trust, that your goals matter, that your needs matter, that you and what you want does matter, a lot. And over time, that changes far more than the original goal ever could. Because the version of you who trusts herself operates differently in every area of her life.
The Real Reason This Matters
The reason I love this question is not because it helps people achieve more. Most of the women I work with are already achieving plenty. The reason it matters is because it helps you stop drifting through a life that no longer feels the way you want it to. It helps you make decisions that are aligned with the person you want to become, rather than the habits that have kept you stuck.
It helps you stop abandoning yourself in small ways that eventually become significant. And perhaps most importantly, it helps you create a life that feels good to live, not just one that looks successful from the outside.
So the next time you find yourself hesitating, rationalising or wondering what to do, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Will this serve the path I want to be on?
You may find the answer is far clearer than you think.
If this resonates and you would like support identifying the patterns that keep pulling you off course, book a free initial consultation. I'd love to help you create a path that not only gets you where you want to go, but feels sustainable along the way.
